Facebook: Fracturing Friendships

I'm gradually becoming disenchanted with social media, as I discover its limitations, which IMO are glaring. I'm not talking about the entrepreneurs who use it to dominate commercially and public relations-wise; obviously to these individuals, social media still hasn't reached its ceiling. I'm taking about the overall power source of social media: people.

What exactly, you might be asking yourself right now, am I talking about? I'm talking about the spotlight social media puts on the typical human being, which casts their faults in lights far more brighter and far more often than any redeeming qualities, in many cases. Of course there are always exceptions, as I know a fair amount of people who are, more or less, "themselves" online. But the list gets much longer and less distinguished when discussing those people who seem to feel that not having to actually face a person or audience somehow gives them free license to bitch, moan, spill, vent, or otherwise air dirty laundry in a way nobody does in the real world to casual acquaintances. Even worse are the people who volunteer personal information about themselves (usually a political, religious, or social stance) which no one ever wanted to know. Sometimes this can be a deal-breaker, even in a serious friendship/relationship.

Now, I've always been a proponent of the "sticks and stones" philosophy, believing that things like "cyber bullying" and "online harassment" are just silly 21st century buzz terms, created by people who are looking for an easy lawsuit or simply need a shield against an obviously shitty parenting job (if some kid is so mentally broken by reading words, there's a deeper psychological issue there, beyond what a chat room session can do, that mommy and daddy should've already been keen to). This is a situation in which the reader his or herself is being personally challenged, engaged. Have a little pride and "fight back" or simply log off your chat or forum, and walk away from the computer. "Cyber Bullying" is not an issue. However, you cannot walk away from a kid twice your size, who's sitting on top of you while pulling your hair, rubbing your face into the ground, or otherwise torturing you in some shape or form. So let's get over the whole "so-and-so was mean to me online today" mamby pamby bullshit.

In the case of Facebook status updates, that's an individual speaking to a large audience with a bullhorn, not really directing their words at any one person. A large audience that isn't necessarily gathering to hear this person speak on a particular topic, but rather, just to mingle about and take in everything they find interesting. The quick and easy "walk away from the computer" fix doesn't really apply here, because in doing so, the person not only rids his or herself of the offending offering, but all others as well. Blocking or deleting an individual (or both) isn't an acceptable cure either IMO, because that's extra work I have to do (although I will eventually, if the individual proves to be more than 50% dirty laundry). And therein lies the limitation of social media: the people who use it.

You have three choices: you can just deal with it, you can spend a lot of personal time calibrating your profile to filter out certain type posts from certain people (which are only good until the next inevitable, unsolicited site overall), or you can simply delete them. The last of these sounds like the best course of action on paper, but with as often as the need arises, eventually you'll find yourself on FB all alone, having nixed everyone...and then what's the point in the first place? No, option one is actually the best of the three IMO. It takes a lot of patience, tolerance, and understanding, but usually provides the happiest endings at the conclusion of a Facebook day.

How Facebook fractures friendships is by providing an (immediate) consequence-free environment for a person to say whatever comes to mind. There's a lot less hesitation before hitting "send" than there is before opening your mouth in a room where other people are actually engaging you in conversation. There's a lot more bravado staring at a computer screen while typing than there is staring into a person's eyes while speaking. Where this bravado fails is the reaction it causes the reader. While it might be easier to type "I hate christians" to a host of anonymous, virtual faces and ears, the impact of that statement isn't any less for the person on the other side. And this is where the mistake is made by so many, or the point where, because it's so easy, people just stop caring about consequences.

I read things on FB everyday about people that I not only don't want to know, but could care less about once I do know. The problem is, it leaves a rift in my psyche about said person, and makes me start to question how much I really know them (because in most cases, this involves people I only know through FB, or casually know and seldom see in the real world). It puts out a red flag, and I tend to keep the person at arm's length. While it happens much more frequently with online-only people, it's also more understandable and tolerable. But when people I know in the real world begin to post content that shines bright light on who they really are, how they really feel, and how they really think, it's much more disheartening.

I know there are things about every person I know in my life and consider a friend, that I don't know about, and wouldn't like were I to find out. There are things about me that nobody I know is privy to, and were they ever to be, wouldn't like. I don't consider these to be necessarily "skeletons in the closet" so much as simply the things that all people must have, to help maintain a simple fundamental of human existence: an identity. The things we all keep to ourselves, sometimes even from ourselves, are what make us who we are. Thoughts, emotions, feelings, understandings, philosophies, desires, addictions, appreciations. There are certain aspects of all of these which we never share, because it's for ourselves. It keeps us, us. Things that don't necessarily cause harm to others as unknowns, but perhaps might not sit well with others if ever brought to light. Simply, what we don't know about one another can't really hurt us (with of course, the exception of serial killers and molesters). But you get my point. Maybe our "souls" is what would best describe it.

There have probably been hundreds of conversations in my lifetime, with a person I consider a friend, who at the time harbored deep feelings about some random issue or situation that I disagree vehemently with. But because that particular topic was never broached, it wasn't an issue. It didn't need to be discussed, and wasn't, and this allowed two individual who disagree sharply on some things to peacefully co-exist and move on through life. The problem with Facebook is, there's never the need for a reason to bring up any topic. All a person has to do is just sit down at a computer and spill their guts; no conversation or segue necessary. And the result of this is, many times individuals will pull from their "inner monologue" or "soul" and put something out there that nobody would have ever asked for in a real conversation, or even provoked through a debate. Unwarranted, unsolicited soul-bearing. The kind that can end a friendship.

Social media, Facebook in particular, might be considered a marvel because it connects us all so easily. But the overall result is only a glaring beam of light on how flawed we all really are (and always were). The signal-to-noise ratio will always be annoyingly unbalanced in favor of Darwinism, and that's simply a reflection of where we are as a society...and that is discouraging. Thankfully, the wonderful minority who keep finding ways to slip between the cracks of the moronic social sidewalk are strong enough in their collective to keep fools like me coming back for more. As for the rare instance of a permanently-damaged friendship, that's the world we live in. And a person who's willing to be declarative and boisterous about sensitive topics without regard for my reaction, isn't anyone I'd make time for anyway.